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Trust! The only thing that can change everything

Trust! The only thing that can change everything

Trust: Many of us have probably considered in one way or another what we value most in a relationship. We may not say it explicitly, but we have thought about it.

Recently I asked a number of people to express it. What is the most important value you want in your relationships? The most reported value that people said they wanted is trust. I'm not surprised, but that makes me more curious than ever about the subject.

Risking to trust in exchange for the adventure of being in love opens the heart to growth and expansion; but the loss or lack of confidence can also close it. Romantic love is an act of faith, and trust is required. When a connection is new, there isn't much to it other than your feelings and feelings are not exceptionally reliable.

There are many conceptual views on trust, what it is and what it isn't, but here's the real deal:

The word comes from the HEBREW Batach, which means carefree, worry free.

The Webster Definition: Confident; a reliance or trust in the integrity, openness, fairness, friendship or other sound principles of another person.

The way to trust

Many couples I speak to will tell me how to restore or restore trust in their relationships. It all sounds very reasonable until you follow the thought process all the way to find that you can't; you cannot restore confidence in itself. Maybe then trust is the end game, the reaction - the outcome.

So what's the road to trust? Realizing that trust is key, we may consider turning our attention to trustworthiness. Isn't that what is measurable and definable?

Being trustworthy is just being worthy of trust, and this is where the plot thickens. There must be a foundation to give us confidence, and our partners need a foundation to give theirs. That basis consists of actions and attitudes that express that I am reliable. And we don't all see that basis the same way. In fact everyone is trustworthy; you just have to look at the actions of another to determine in which ways they can be trusted or not.

After interviewing a dozen individuals and couples, we all agree on three elements regarding a partner's trustworthiness, which are:




Developing our trustworthiness in the eyes of our partners is the foundation for building trust. There must be evidence to show that we are reliable.

Almost everyone will bend the truth when our supposed survival or reputation is at stake. If deception can save us, we will likely lie. Pamela Meyer, Fraud Investigator and author of Lie Spotting, says, "We all lie; we are all liars. Sometimes we will make up a lie to spare someone else's feelings. There are many reasons why we do it, but we do. it all" . OUCH! And understand this, we are also willing to be lied to if we get what we want - lies can connect us to our fantasies.

Beauty, wealth, status, peace of mind, fame, love and romance, one or more of these desires are alluring. Know what you are hungry for and you will be less likely to be deceived.

Consider some of these scenarios related to someone's vulnerable areas of life:

~ There is a commercial that promises to CLEAR under eye bags immediately!

~ There is a pill that swears you don't need exercise, just one tablet at night, and the extra pounds will go away.

~ Shampoos, conditioners and drinks to keep your hair from falling out.

And these in developing relationships:

~ There is one person who is notorious for cheating but promises to love exclusively.

~ Your husband is having an affair but promises it will never happen again.

~ Money disappears from your bank account, but the culprit swears it was just a loan.

Consider the NETFLIX series based on real events, Dirty John. Debra Newell goes on a blind date with a man she met on the internet. The lies he tells are obvious to the viewer and her family, but there is something she longs for, and John is a master at fulfilling that desire.


Power, honesty and reliability

I then wonder if both parties are dishonest in the same way, does that promote trust? If both agree on what is gossip and what is just fun to talk at the expense of another, does that promote trust? If both agree that it is okay to take what is not theirs, will that promote confidence?

Trust is thus a direct parallel with one's perception of trustworthiness and one's integrity basis. Power, Honesty and Reliability now have a different interpretation of reliability.

What areas is he / she / I capable of

Dealing with children

Traveling or partying

Cook dinner or do some shopping

To work out our schedules

Opening up about difficult topics and issues

Owning and dealing with mistakes

Pay the bills and be on time

In which areas is he / she / I honest: where do we draw the line?

What about income taxes; cheating - a little bit

Lying about a headache to escape (sex, party, or gathering)

Transparent or with secrets

Speaking the truth - white lying is acceptable

Gossip or complain about others

In what ways is he / she / I reliable

Show up on time or early

Do what we say when we say we will

Birthdays, anniversaries and essential dates are reminders of things that matter

Actions in accordance with words

Keep secrets in confidence

Trust in (your / their) nature

That is why trust is the highest value in relationships. This is what we know for sure ~ if you pay attention to the actions and reactions of yourself and others, you will see a foundation for trustworthiness. Use the list above to get started disclosing agreed principles. Tuning in to your loved one and measuring against the same principles will strengthen the bond.

We all have the opportunity and ability to raise our standards, build a higher foundation to become more trustworthy, and earn more TRUST. By building trust within your relationships, they can become better, more fulfilling, meaningful and last longer.


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